tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12098745564235116942024-02-02T06:03:53.509-08:00Authored By Schrödinger's CatI'm still in here...Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-11533102365984142102013-03-16T13:06:00.002-07:002013-03-16T13:06:39.584-07:00March 2013
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">A quick thank you for everyone’s patience, we’re currently
waiting on our print order.</span> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-62617309741587840252013-02-14T19:42:00.003-08:002013-02-14T19:42:59.213-08:00Quick update
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We’d like to remind everyone we’re no longer accepting
submissions after the 20<sup>th</sup> of February for our March magazine
launch issue. You can still submit for the blog or pending summer issue however. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
- That Cat</span><br />
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-37549744209880133182013-01-31T17:13:00.003-08:002013-01-31T17:27:28.709-08:00February 2013 Blog Roll<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The countdown to D-Day (Dogs on holiDay) ends, here's our <span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">February
2013 roster </span>; <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/applaws-worthy-pin-up.html">Lester, February’s Pin Up – tamed by Deborah Klein</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/jodene-has-bf.html">Jodene Has a BF – Marc S. Cohen<o:p></o:p></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/plucked-or-on-vine.html">Plucked Or On Vine – S. Alex<o:p></o:p></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/kitties-in-midst.html">Kitties in the Midst – Deborah Klein<o:p></o:p></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/the-oracle-as-infallible-prophet-on.html">The Oracle as an Infallible Prophet on Something- Norman A. Rubin</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">6.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/strip-joint-medicine.html">STRIP JOINT MEDICINE - Fred Desjardins<o:p></o:p></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">7.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/how-to-be-loner.html#more">How To Be A Loner - Charles B. Lawson<o:p></o:p></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">8.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://comedyinthebox.blogspot.ca/2013/01/how-to-entertain-delivery-men-and.html">How To Entertain Delivery Men and Inspire Me –Anonymous</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">*to contributors; if there are any errors or oversights
please let us know and they’ll be corrected ASAP.</span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Also a quick reminder to follow us on </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Authored-By-Schr%C3%B6dingers-Cat/120067401501433"><span style="font-size: large;">facebook</span></a><span style="font-size: large;">.</span> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-71102613804877771592013-01-31T17:08:00.000-08:002013-01-31T17:08:32.945-08:00Applaws Worthy Pin-Up <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidYolI2-ZGGO6I6G9Xxq0p-2Hm8Rn_oPrsh2Z748Ew3v3MYh8AIqcenbNoGXqj1dXW5eOiJxUHuQryQmy5lkwB70aOr_hzcEicS9OKAuHxe6Mi1PvJCVDwVQvR0A7w7JyajMqBikVgFe8/s1600/lester.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidYolI2-ZGGO6I6G9Xxq0p-2Hm8Rn_oPrsh2Z748Ew3v3MYh8AIqcenbNoGXqj1dXW5eOiJxUHuQryQmy5lkwB70aOr_hzcEicS9OKAuHxe6Mi1PvJCVDwVQvR0A7w7JyajMqBikVgFe8/s640/lester.jpg" width="432" /></a></div>
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<em><span style="font-size: large;">This is Lester, he resides with Deborah Klein and loves getting his picture published as much as possible.</span></em> </div>
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<br />Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-40845825684204834412013-01-31T17:07:00.001-08:002013-01-31T17:07:43.593-08:00Jodene Has a BF<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">Jodene
Has a BF</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">Marc S. Cohen<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And now everyone's upset. WTF??
texts Dakota. OMFG!!! texts Mercede. :O#@!%!!!! texts Serenity. Worst to take
it is Serenity. Everyone just assumed she was going to be the first. It was
Serenity whose Middle School classmates voted most likely to grow up to be a
centerfold. She was the first to get braces, and the first to graduate to a
B-cup. Is it her fault the boys are all intimidated by her? Even the high
school boys?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a name='more'></a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It's not like anyone saw it coming. Jodene never let on. She always
acted like nothing was going on. Even after the news broke, it was hard to
tell. She wore the same look of boredom, the same whythehellwasIeverborn
expression on her face as she ever did. Her hair, her clothes, her shoes,
nothing looked any different. So is it any wonder everyone was all, CUL8R, Bitch!
when they found out?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Looking back, we should've expected
it, though. There was always something odd about that Jodene. When all the
other girls were giving each other Barbie makeovers, Jodene was bitching about
Ken's missing boy parts. When her friends were badgering their moms for a
flat-iron, she was all about keratin. Even her armpits smelled of peroxide. Bet
she isn't bitching about Ken now. But FCOL, everyone knows Serenity's the Queen
of the Tube Tops, that Mercede's the girl with the ass crack of an angel. FCOL!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It's Tuesday after school, and the
girls are hanging out by the flagpole, their bottoms nesting on the low wall
between tedium and indifference, when up saunters you-know-who. Well look who's
deigned to join us, derides Dakota. What, you get dumped already, mumbles
Mercede. Serenity says nothing, just scowls solipsistic. Jodene's eyes go
electric; her jaws unhinge; she asks them in no uncertain terms: What's going
on. So clueless, texts Mercede. Totally uptight, texts Dakota. LMAO! texts
Serenity. Jodene wants to see what they're texting. Oh, nothing you'd be
interested in, says Serenity, and they all laugh, except for Jodene, of course,
who's all, OMG, you guys are such assholes!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And I guess in hindsight, they
probably were, but who could've blamed them? I mean, they were fourteen, for
fuck's sake, and who expects a fourteen-year-old to handle the news that one of
them is pulling ahead in her life's journey, leaving the rest of them to suck
on her tailpipe, without getting all indignant on her ass? Is it any wonder
they felt totally (<>..<>)<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>from
her? The news was like 8-# to them, they were so #:-o, so %-(. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And yet they probably should've gone
easier on her, too. Hell, if it was her own funeral, they wouldn't have invited
her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mercede is the first to leave,
scampering off through the alley between the sign shop and the tattoo parlor,
past Roadkill Cleaners, the liquor store and the car wash, till she reaches her
mom's front door. Climbs up the stairs to the apartment in the back,
overlooking the rear parking lot behind Grover's Shoe Repairs. She throws her
shit down and tromps off to her room. Her brother steps out of the can just as
she reaches her room.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hey.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hey.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You hear about Jodene?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What? Course, who hasn't.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I mean, how can this be? She's no
beauty queen. Who suddenly elected her Miss Florida?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Are you kidding? her brother cracks.
She's hot. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Are you serious???<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Smirking, her brother brushes by and
heads into the kitchen. Opens the fridge and pulls out a corndog. Mercede
stomps in after him. Answer me, she shrieks, as he calmly denudes the dog of
its wrapper. She glares at him while he chews, until at last, mouth full of
crumbs, he mumbles:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh yeah. All the guys wanna bang
her, once she fills out a little.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mercede is dumbstruck. She normally
worships the ground her brother walks on. She was the first to defend him when
he got his girlfriend pregnant last summer. It was all Bristol's fault, she
cried, he couldn't help it that slut seduced him! What was he supposed to do
when she agreed to go camping all alone in the Ocala with him?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now here he is, telling her the
worst thing she ever wanted to hear. The worst thing! He might as well have
announced Charlotte Russe is shutting down.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It goes no better at Dakota's. Her
mom's tits are all in a knot over her stepdad's Oxycontin conviction, and her
little sister's talking dope about some teacher who's been sneaking into the
girls room at school and peaking under the stalls. No one wants to talk about
Jodene. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me in this house? Dakota protests,
until her little sister corrects her, reminding her that they live in a trailer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It's down to Serenity to be the
voice of reason, and wouldn't you know it but the next day, she's all smiles
and 8-D when she announces, in no uncertain terms: You know, like, it's not
like anyone's ever seen her with him.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And it's true! No one <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">has</i> seen her with him. No one even knows
who he is. Does he have a name? Does he have a face? For all they know, he
might be a figment of Jodene's imagination! Or a figment of theirs!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or he might be a dog, digs Dakota.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or a chimp! mocks Mercede.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or a pock-faced dork! sneers
Serenity.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No, I mean it, says Dakota. It may
really be her dog! Maybe she was just going on about Rufus. They're very
attached, you know.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This makes them feel better, because
everyone knows that Jodene goes practically ape shit over Rufus, her little
Pit-bull Pomeranian mix, which her grandma gave her after the hurricane trashed
their cabana last month. Fuck, yeah! It had to be that cur she was talking
about. A dog may be man's best friend, but what's to stop one from being a
little teenage whore's BF?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So they decide to forgive and
forget. They pick up a gift card at the local TJ maxx and catch a bus over to
the Motel 8 where Jodene and her peeps have been staying while waiting for the word
from the insurance adjustors. A small dog can be heard barking inside room
#24B, and Dakota shares a knowing wink with Serenity, who winks at Mercede, who
winks back at Dakota. All suppressed giggles, they knock on the door, the dog
barks wildly, and an old woman with a face crumpled like a used tampon opens
the door.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It's Jodene's grandma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>She ain't here, she informs them.
The sad truth is if they'd come to apologize, they were too late. Jodene's had
a nervous breakdown, you see, and was sent off last night to the Vines in Ocala
for an emergency admission. She's a total mess, they wanna keep her under
observation indefinitely, hopefully the insurance will cover her treatment,
otherwise the good Lord knows how they's gonna be able to fix both a house <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> a teenage girl, and does any of them
by chance know someone who wants a used Pit-bull Pomeranian mix, the goddamned
motel says they can't keep him there if he don't stop shitting on the
furniture, and at this rate they won't be leaving till Jesus comes back and crosses
the Okeechobee on foot....<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>She shuts the door. Solemnly, the
girls descend the stairwell and sink onto a bench outside the pool area. Nobody
pays much attention to the sounds of cannonballs and belly flops crashing all
around. Or the seagulls waddling over, snatching at all those discarded fries
whose burnt ends make them look like beige-colored butts. In the lot, an SUV
with Delaware plates pulls away while another from Tennessee pulls in. As the
driver heads over to the front desk to check in, two small faces in the back
window stare covetously at the explosions in the water. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Christ, who takes a family vacation in
the middle of a school year, anyway?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Several minutes pass, until Serenity
lifts up her phone, squinting agonizingly beneath the sun's devilish glare, and
texts: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Can U believe the bitch thought we
wanted to apologize?! >-<</i> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><em>Marc Cohen is a writer, artist and musician born in the United States and residing in Toronto, Ontario. He writes little existential pieces about people grappling with the indeterminacies of life, language, and love. His stylistic forebears include Donald Barthelme, Sheila Heti, and Joel and Ethan Coen.</em> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><o:p><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;">*This story will appear in the March 2013 issue of <em><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="background-color: #3d85c6;"><span style="background-color: white;">Authored</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">By</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Schrödinger's Cat*</span></span></span></em></span></span></o:p></span></div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-16233647723063913902013-01-31T17:06:00.001-08:002013-01-31T17:06:36.569-08:00Plucked Or On Vine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">S. Alex is a writer, artist and unproven sociopath. Her
agent is her cat Bodanius Rufus.</span></em> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-86483285339877213852013-01-31T17:04:00.004-08:002013-01-31T17:05:34.582-08:00Kitties in the Midst<em></em><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <strong>
</strong></span><strong>Kitties in the Midst</strong></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><strong> </strong></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><em>Deborah Klein<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Friends and family who know me also know I will
be a lone, old woman surrounded by cats, or at least <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a</i> cat, until I die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the
nursing home won’t allow them, my daughter will smuggle one in in a Little
Debbie cookie box.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">I love <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all</i>
the creatures, (except poisonous<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>snakes, spiders, and other really ugly, terrifying things that breathe.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I respect <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every</i> creature’s right to be here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m certainly not worthy of having dominion over them, that’s for damned
sure. That was one of God’s stupid ideas, putting <u>us</u> in charge. Lot’s wife
was another stupid decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So was
menopause and cramps. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a name='more'></a></span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">I mean, make up your friggin mind already!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you want the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">meek</i> to inherit the earth?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or do you want <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">people, </i>who,
last I checked<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, </i>aren’t the meekest
shlobs around the place<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, </i>to have
dominion over it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m here to tell ya, humans
are about as ugly and mean as life forms can get if you want <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my </i>opinion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you didn’t ask for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my </i>opinion. You just went ahead and issued <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thou shalts</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shall nots</i>
even though you waffle like crazy on what we should and shouldn’t do from
chapter to chapter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who was your
editor?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jeezus.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">I talk to toads, lizards, butterflies, you name
it. But I can’t usually find two words to string together at the office or social
gatherings. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t care if anyone hears
me admonishing toads for venturing in to the parking garage, or telling a
lizard he should send a card to his Mom once in a while. Would it kill
him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">So it’s no surprise that my driveway resembles the
African Veldt. I come home at night to the neighborhood cats in repose, lounging
like little lions across the landscape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They wait for treats and minor conversation. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
each of their distinct personalities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
observe them, in the wild, from my kitchen window. I know their lineage and characteristics,
just like Fossey knew her gorillas. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
Dian Fossey had not been murdered, I believe she would’ve become an old woman
with cats, living in a little village near her gorillas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">When people come to visit, they often point at
one of the felines and ask if it’s mine. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">I launch into a long explanation about the life
of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">outside</i> cats until the
visitor’s eyes fog-over and a smile freezes on his face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">I explain that you don’t own cats, they own
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell him the cats outside are
feral, because it’s just wrong to allow a domestic to venture into the wild. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">“Silver” is a feral Tabby with green eyes the
color of Super Fly’s polyester bellbottoms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She is elegant yet also <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">very</i>
hot. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s one of the more popular cats
among her peers. She’s about 7 years old now and still has that “it” factor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>[Insert Cougar joke here.] </span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But ever
since we captured her and had her spayed she’s put on a little in the
mid-section.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I totally get it, although
I, myself, have not been fixed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">She had three litters that I’m aware of since I
moved into my house. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s actually <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">her </i>house. At least the outside is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was here before me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her kittens were all adorable and she was an
extremely attentive mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
friends who popped out kids like Silver did, and they raised <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">them</i> perfectly as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But people don’t have to worry much about their
kids being carried away by hawks or other animals. It’s a very tough world out
there for cats.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Silver wasn’t a slut by any means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s only loved one cat, until my Lester
came along. Her baby daddy is a benevolent old tom with more scars than Joe
Frasier’s opponents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s skinny and
crooked. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw one ear dangling from his
head a few years ago. It didn’t fall off, but healed a little lower than the
other. He shows up now and then, about every four or five months, and she
cleans him and finds a good sunbeam in the grass for his old bones to lie in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s afraid of people, but he’s always been
kind to the kittens, allowing them to crawl all over him. He’s more a lover
than a fighter, which probably explains his battered condition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m always amazed that he’s still alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Silver has one remaining kitten who is probably
three years old now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had him fixed too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think we really needed to bother
because he’s a total Momma’s Boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s
also gay. I call him Little Bear. There used to be another pitch-black cat, a
younger one, who made love to him frequently in my garden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friend Nancy thought I exaggerated about their
relationship until she brought me home one night, and the headlights of her
truck caught them in the act.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We sat and
watched as though we’d rented porn. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
didn’t even stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The black cat groomed Little
Bear when they were done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Little
Bear runs, he throws his front feet out to the side like a male dancer running
down the sidewalk towards Starbucks on his way to a try-out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">He’s not terribly good at climbing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Silver can climb anything as though she had
wings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He sits beneath her and
cries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’ll let me pick him up now,
after years of gaining his trust, during our morning breakfast ritual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He likes to be held for a little while until
Silver becomes agitated and I have to put him down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He looks up at me and winks, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">we’ll do it again tomorrow</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lola moved in to my carport two years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought she was a mean tom cat because she
sprays on everything and fights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Imagine my surprise when a little boy rolled up on his skateboard one
Saturday afternoon to see her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">“Is that your cat?” I asked him.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">“Ya, this is Lola.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s thirteen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was our only pet until we got a
puppy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t like it so she ran
away.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">“How did she get out?”</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">“We let her out every day. She just never came
back after we got the dog.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Great, I thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another family that thinks it’s perfectly
acceptable to let their domestic cat out.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;">People don’t let dogs out to wander all day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why cats?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I didn’t blame Lola for feeling betrayed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her boy walks up every weekend to check on
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She won’t go home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s tried to coax her. So she stays and
sprays.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">She’s mean as hell too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s the alpha on the Veldt. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She beats up Silver every chance she gets and
hisses at my boy Lester through the screens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve had to replace two because of the holes she’s torn trying to get to
him. She’ll chase any cat who wanders up to the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She sprays on everything to make it her own,
including <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i> on one occasion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But she’s old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel bad for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I make sure she has clean towels and a
bowl of food and water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feed her separately
from the others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’ve figured out what
time of day she’s not around. They hang out on the patio during Lola-free hours.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Silver loves Lester.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s like a thirteen-year-old with Justin
Bieber. Or whatever the hell his name is. She sits on the other side of the
screen and makes squeaking noises until he notices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He lumbers over and she rubs against him
through the screen,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>then she shows him her ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lester is half her age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus, he’s a typical guy and doesn’t have a
clue what she’s doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He usually yawns
and walks away while she’s in the throes of courting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve never seen her react to any other cat
that way, except for her baby daddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
Lester does not have social skills where women are concerned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve gone so far as to carry him outside for
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She comes up and rubs his
face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He maintains a stupid, dazed look
in his eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s just not that in to
her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">See?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve gone on about cats for almost three full sheets of paper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lester and the new kitten, Colette, are
snoozing on the kitchen table as I write this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They’re exhausted from prying the cupboards open and dragging the pans
and Brillo pads out. The toilet paper in the bathroom was tedious work as
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Colette is an apprentice, but she
learns fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s gifted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep her away from Silver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want her to get any ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’ll sleep for a few hours, then clock
back in to create havoc and take multiple dumps in the litter box.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
life in the neighborhood wildlife preserve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">My apologies to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he pisses me off sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Hey God, tell Dian I said <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hey</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The animals need more
people like her down here.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">Deborah Klein teaches a funny writing class at the Safety Harbour Museum on Wednesdays. You can find her at </span></em><a href="http://stufffromthelaundrychute.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"><em>stufffromthelaundrychute.<wbr></wbr>blogspot.com</em></span></a><span style="font-size: large;"><em> . You can find the Safety Harbour Writers and Poets on facebook.</em> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;">*This story will appear in the March 2013 issue of <em>Authored By<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Schrödinger's Cat*</span></span></em></span></span></div>
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Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-87341645558166727422013-01-31T17:03:00.001-08:002013-01-31T17:03:04.348-08:00The Oracle as an Infallible Prophet on Something<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>The Oracle as an Infallible Prophet on
Something</strong> </span></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;"><em>Norman A. Rubin</em></span></span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;"></span></span><br /></div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><div class="MsoNormal" dir="LTR" style="direction: ltr; line-height: 150%; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Wal' the Oracle was a gipsy woman who advertised herself on the sign
tacked up on the outside wall to her hocus pocus parlor 'Natasha, the Oracle' –
Fortune Telling, Foretelling the Future and Divination – by appointment... ''
chattered the Old Major to a pack of old duffers, eight in all, sitting around
the warm barrel stove in Lem's General store. “She went with the name as
Natasha Rasputin, but her real moniker was Sarah Cohen, Brooklyn born.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a name='more'></a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"The woman was certainly dressed like a gipsy. Colorful voluptuous
dresses, a red dotted kerchief wound around her dyed hair, gold loop earrings
dangling from her ear lobes silver and gold thin bracelets on her wrists,
assortment of rings on her fingers and around her neck hung a heavy chain with
large medallion of a Tibetan mantra. Her faced was plastered with light brown
makeup to make her look like a gipsy and also to cover up her wrinkles. When
she spoke to clients she affected a Roum accent; and when she called upon her
other self, her guide and mentor, an Indian princess named Ashana, she affected
a Far Eastern accent.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The Old Major continued his spiel, “Her oracle studio where she did her hocus
pocus was in the center of the nearby town of Meadows; the studio was dimmed so
she could hide all her gadgets under the table like the one with sound of feet
when she</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">called her phantom Indian princess. And, of course, there was the shining
crystal ball centered on a white cloth on a small table between her and the
client.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Natasha, the oracle was quite well known, far and wide, as most of her
future predictions rang true for the individual client. You had to make an
appointment to the fifteen minute séance; one reason was that she had to have
time to tap on her laptop to find information on a specific client. Her fee was
quite exorbitant, fifty dollars a</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">session, and many suckers were glad to pay that fee.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Then one day a client named Casper Dogoody made an appointment to hear of
his future. In plain English he was henpecked and that his wife Zelda nagged
him to make the arrangements. But Natasha's laptop had little to say about the
old boy. He was married to Zelda, a buxom lass, daughter of the widower Mr.
Sibhan, a fishmonger by trade; he was employed as bookkeeper in a firm of
lawyers, nearing the time of the golden watch; and he was a good church
(Methodist) member and even sang in the church choir. His social life was zilch
except he was a lodge member in the Elk's fraternity, meeting once a month. In
plain English Casper was a nobody of importance.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The Old Major continued his speechification, “Wal' the appointment time came
about. When the chimes rang out announcing him, it automatically put on a
record, a Bach organ recording, to the set the mood in that darkened
parlor. Natasha pressed an electric button and slowly the door creaked open and
in stepped Casper Dogoody, 'Do sit down', intoned the gipsy in an eerie voice.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">“Casper moved his diminutive well dressed figure to the chair before the little
table in front of the clairvoyant. Timidity was written on his narrow chinless
face. He held his hands on the band of his fedora twitching it nervously.
Then he sat down cautiously on the offered chair.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"To make a long story short,” grumbled the Old Major, “The soothsayer used
her best cards with a hocus pocus. She called upon her Indian Princess and
changed her accent. Well the Indian princess with an old standby that he was
coming into a fortune and that he must buy a ticket to the state lottery. Thus
ended the brief fifteen sessions.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"When Casper Dogoody left the premises he scratched his wispy salt and
pepper hair what was left of it in indecision before doffing his fedora. He was
flabbergasted as he didn't gamble, even one cent; he certainly didn't know
how to buy a ticket. Suddenly he spotted a kiosk selling tickets to the state lottery
and he walked bravely towards it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">He mumbled to the clerk he wanted to buy a lottery ticket. The man simply took
a batch of tickets spread on the counter and told Casper to pick one. Nervously
he chose one and paid the clerk his due.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Wal' the draw for the state lottery came about in a couple of weeks or
so. Lo and behold Casper Dogoody won a share of the third prize amounting to
$13,445.09. Zelda his overweight wife ran about the chirping away, 'We won the
3rd place on the draw, Tra la lah, Trala dee'. Zelda knew how to spend the
lucre without a murmur of protest from Casper.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Time went quickly by and Casper was nagged again by Zelda to go to the
fortune teller. Zelder was a head taller than Casper and with a stern look to
her face that the henpecked chap couldn't protest. So he gave in and made an
appointment with the oracle.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"At the appointed time Casper Dogoody stepped silently into the fortune
teller's lair; Bach organ music was playing a bit loud with only the crystal
ball shining the darkened room. Casper slipped cautiously in the chair before
the gipsy woman and whispered timidly he wanted her to tell his prophecy of the
future. Off course Natasha</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">didn't have further information on Casper Dogoody, except he shared the 3rd
prize in the state lottery. "So she called upon the Indian Princess and
with a Far Eastern</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">accent she mouthed the words of her ghostly mentor; she manipulated the walking
gadget to indicate</span> <span style="font-size: large;">the Indian Princess's arrival. The crystal ball dimmed and
an eerie voice called, 'Who calls me from my resting place, Natasha changed her
voice to a Roum accent and told the royal one that Casper Dogoody wanted to
know his future prophecy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"The Indian Princess gave the prophecy in a slow eerie voice - “Casper
Dogoody you will hear bells clanging and you will bump into a fortune.” The
voice slipped away slowly and then the Crystal Ball lit up, leaving Casper
pondering his future prophecy.</span></div>
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------------</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">“A week passed by when Casper Dogoody was called to the office of the head
honcho of the lawyer's firm where he worked. He was handed a manila envelope to
deliver to a client post haste. Casper was given cab fare and the taxi was
waiting for him at the entrance to the building.</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: large;">“When Casper finished his errand in
good time, he found the taxi to take him back to his firm was nowhere in sight,
In his timidity he was prone to asked the receptionist to telephone for
another one, so he had to walk.<br />
<br />
"When he neared a bank he saw three men, guns drawn, running out of the
premises with alarms bells clanging. Casper was absorbed with the scene that he
bumped into the robber carrying the loot in a satchel bag. The bandit was off
balance, fell down on the hard pavement, and cracked his skull. 'Oh my,
oh my' Casper said nervously and knelt down to the robber and extended his
apologies; he tried to help him to his feet. The two other robbers, desperate
to make a quick getaway, tried to pull him off their pal. Somehow an automatic
handgun found its way in Casper's hand. When the villains pulled him away from
their pal somehow the pistol was pointed trembling at them, what could the
villains do, so they raised the hand above their heads and yelled,<br />
'Don't shoot!'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Casper Dogoody was frozen in stance with the wavering gun pointed towards
the villains. Sirens wailed and the law men arrived and relieved Casper of his
vigilante mission. 'Oh my, Oh my,' Casper cried softly in a timid voices as he
thought he was going to be arrested for the fracas. But no, he was a hero.
Reporters came and barraged him with questions; Photos were taken. Rewards were
given to him from the bank and from the local authorities for the capture of
the bank robbers. He was a hero all right and he talked back to Zelda, for the
first time. He put his foot down and said, No more fortune telling for me!',<br />
<br />
"When the ruckus died down it signaled a normal life for Casper and Zelda,
And as for the Natasha the Oracle she was not to be found; some say when she
heard of the Casper's heroism she became a bit tetched. Her hocus pocus parlor
was empty with the gadgets, the Bach record, the crystal ball and the computer
removed. A sign 'To Let' replaced the one 'Natasha the Oracle.....'</span></span></span></span></div>
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<em><span style="font-size: large;">Norman A. Rubin is an American citizen, studied writing at Wolsley<br />Hall, England - and makes his home in Afula - Former correspondent<br />for the Continental News Service, USA, now retired. Free-lance writer<br />for the past twenty years writing on various subjects - Near East<br />culture and crafts, archaeology, fantasy; religious history and rites,<br />travel mainly historical, coinage, a bit of politics, etc.. Norman A.<br />Rubin has been featured in publications world wide and on Net sites.<br />See ‘</span></em><a href="http://yahoo.com/" target="_blank"><em><span style="font-size: large;">yahoo.com</span></em></a><em><span style="font-size: large;">’, ‘</span></em><a href="http://google.com/" target="_blank"><em><span style="font-size: large;">google.com</span></em></a><em><span style="font-size: large;">' under his name for a review of his<br />written work.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 150%;"><o:p><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;">*This story will appear in the March 2013 issue of <em><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="background-color: #3d85c6;"><span style="background-color: white;">Authored</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">By</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Schrödinger's Cat*</span></span></span></em></span></span></o:p></span></div>
</em><em></em><br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span></span> </div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span>Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-59612411915649469912013-01-31T17:01:00.000-08:002013-01-31T17:01:00.846-08:00STRIP JOINT MEDICINE<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong><span style="font-size: large;">STRIP JOINT
MEDICINE<o:p></o:p></span></strong></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">Fred
Desjardins<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">What can you
learn about the world of medicine working in a strip club? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plenty. Neurology, biology, chemistry, surgery
- the whole nine yards. At <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the time I was working my way through
university toiling in a joint <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>called The Downtown Connection. The locals
suggested that the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"connection" likely referred to the
relationship between a steel-toed <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>boot and genitalia. I started as a waiter but
my job description came to <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">include
manager, waiter, bookkeeper, bouncer, fill-in disc jockey and <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>stripper-auditioner.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a name='more'></a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">There's
something specific to a strip joint crowd that you won't find <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>among the unincarcerated. The population
generally consists of bikers, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>pimps, hookers, hustlers, addicts of all
description, and ex-four-round <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>boxers. In short, these people have no problem
with repressed hostility. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">This is a
veritable poster group for primal therapy. And while the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>patrons found the atmosphere exciting, I found
it - how can I put this <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>delicately? - horrifying.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">To add to
the ambience the stripping area, a circular plexiglass dance <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>floor that featured an electronic
colour-pattern show, sat under a giant, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>rotating, coloured mirror ball, a remnant of
the disco era that now <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>served only to illuminate the hundreds of
tattoos littered about the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>room, like a psychedelic Tilt-A-Whirl with a
bad attitude.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I
started, the place was run by the owner's wife, who roared up <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>daily in a bells-and-whistles Cadillac that
would have made Mary Kay <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>blush. She walked on an angle, courtesy of the
lemon-sized diamond <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>mounted on her left hand as she trailed her
white mink coat through the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>minefield of spilled beer, dried blood and
broken teeth. Her <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>accoutrements were highlighted by a
linebacker's build, topped off by <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>phosphorescent red lipstick that must have
been applied with a <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sledgehammer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">As for the
world of medicine, I was introduced to it on my first day in <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the form of dentistry.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">A
perpetually inebriated scallop shucker who had obvious difficulty <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>grasping concepts like "soap" and
"comb" waltzed up to the bar and <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>confronted Reg, the head waiter. Reg was a
bald, leather-clad biker with <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the work SHOTGUN stencilled onto the back of
his waiter's jacket. His <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>primary interests in life were street fighting,
binge drinking and <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>adultery.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The shucker
proceeded to inform Reg that he had a raging toothache and <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>could he please punch the offending tooth out
for him? Delighted to <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>oblige, Reg told the patient to take a firm
hold of the bar and tilt his <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>head ever so slightly upwards. He then
unloaded with a series of patented <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>left hooks and right crosses that would have
satisfied a pay-per-view <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>boxing crowd.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The result of this savage flurry was
eye-popping - literally. Not only <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>did it appear that Reg had removed every tooth
from the man's head but <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he'd also clearly broken his nose, fractured
his jaw and left one of his <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>eyes dangling precariously in the vicinity of
its socket.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Did I get it?" inquired Reg.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Don't know," slurred the patient.
"Gimme a beer."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reg's partner, Albert, an affable, middle-aged
guy with yellowish skin, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>chimed in, "I pull my own out with piano
wire," and proceeded to flash a <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>jack-o-lantern smile at me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Eventually,
the owner appointed me waiter/disc jockey/manager after he, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>along with several dozen passersby, caught his
wife, who had been the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>manager, in a compromising position with the
disc jockey in the back seat <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of her Cadillac. That the car was parked in
the crowded parking lot with <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>its top down and radio blaring was probably
predictable - and hardly <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>uncommon. Then, in a cost-cutting move,
considering that I was taller <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">than the
other waiters, he make me the bouncer as well. I was speechless <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>at this honour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dread can do that to you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It was in
this capacity that I had my next run-in with the world of <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>medicine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I attempted to usher out an intoxicated man who was verbally <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>abusing the crowd at the top of his lungs. As
I wrestled him through the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>side door and out of the view of the crowd, he
suddenly lurched upwards <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and fell face-first onto the parking lot
asphalt.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Call an ambulance," I shrieked as
the patrons hovered about the stricken <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>man.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"What'd you do to him, man? Looks like
you killed him," said the guy with <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a tattoo of a third eye on his forehead.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I didn't touch him," I pleaded.
"He just keeled over."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Sure he did, man," said the oily
dude with the Dracula overbite and <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hysterical laughter broke out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Soon enough
the ambulance and police car pulled up. By this time the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>crowd almost had me convinced that I'd just
committed murder.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"He's dead," pronounced the medic,
and my blood pressure hit the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>stratosphere. "His liver exploded -
probably dead before he hit the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ground," he added, and I instinctively
yelled, "Thank God!" The cop <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>looked at me as if I were a side dish he
hadn't ordered.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was at this precise moment that I had an
"out-of-body experience," so <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>often chronicled by surgery patients. As I
turned to head back into the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>bar, a drunken woman screamed,
"Murderer!" and hit me squarely in the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>temple with one of those over-sized purses,
the kind they don't make <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>anymore with the four metal studs on the
bottom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It must have been filled with either several
rolls of quarters or her <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>make-up kit and as I sagged to the floor I
felt my spirit leave my body <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and hover above the scene. I recall my severe
irritation as I watched her <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>repeatedly poke me in the eye before she was
cold-cocked by Reg. Medicare <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>indeed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The following several days were nondescript
except for the strange case <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of "Eddie Match."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Eddie was a
short, slight transient who, years earlier, had fallen out a <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>third-storey window at a bootleggers. The
resultant head injury had left <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>him somewhat "neurologically
impaired" or in tavern parlance, "a little <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>punchy." We gave Eddie the last name
Match because he was constantly <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>asking for matches from the staff. That he
already possessed enough of <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>these to give Yankee firebug William Tecumseh
Sherman a run for his money <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in torching the Civil War Atlanta was of no
consequence to him-but certainly drew the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>attention of the local firehouse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In any case, Eddie staggered in one night and
ordered his usual two beer <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>when I couldn't help but notice that his left
hand was bandaged up with <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what must have been three adult-sized
bedsheets. I asked him what had <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>happened and he related the following story:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Me and George were drinkin' wine up at
my place last night when I got <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hungry. So I turned a burner on to make Kraft
Dinner. Anyways, George <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>asks me a question and I can't think of the
answer. But I didn't want him <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to tell me so I stayed there thinkin' at the
stove and leaned against it <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with my hand.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"After a couple minutes or so, I smelled
something funny burnin' and when <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked down I seen that I turned the wrong
burner on and my hand was <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>stuck on the burnin' one. Well, I couldn't get
it off so George takes a <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hold of me and gives a yank and we both fell
on the floor. And there was <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>most of the skin off my hand burnin' away on
the stove and you talk about <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a stink.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So George takes a pound of butter and spreads
it all over my hand, wraps <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it up in bedsheets and I said the hell with
the Kraft Dinner."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sounds like primeval dermatology to me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'd be remiss if I didn't recount what I
learned about medicine from the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>strippers themselves. One particular incident
springs to mind which <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>touches on hygiene, gynecology and psychology.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my role as stripper-auditioner, I was once
approached by what's <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>generally referred to as a "biker
chick." She told me she wanted to be a <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>stripper and I set up a time for the following
morning for the audition. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She arrived on time and I began to set up in
the sound booth.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Auditions were always held in the morning
because the "strip section" was <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>closed to the public. In any case, I told the
girl the drill: panties, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>bra, easily disposed-of top and high heels.
Off she went to the changing <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>room and I proceeded to set up the light show.
Suddenly, she appeared at <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the booth door and knocked to get in. Now the
sound booth wasn't much <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>bigger than a standard closet and was
definitely designed for one person <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>at a time. Nevertheless, I let her in and she
closed the door. She was <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>wearing only panties as she held the rest of
the gear in her hand and she <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>gave me strict instructions on what songs she
wanted played for her <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>audition.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, music choices aside, I was
immediately struck by two things - <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>no, not those two things. Virtually every inch
of her body was covered <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with obscene tattoos and her unusually pungent
aroma throttled my <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>olfactory senses and led me to the inescapable
conclusion that this girl <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>had never seen one of those so-called
"feminine" commercials that deal <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with "feeling fresh." In a flash, I
barked my instructions to her and she <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>scampered off to the dance floor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">As the music
reached a crescendo and the "biker chick" had gone through <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the obligatory preening, prancing and pouting,
the moment arrived to <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>remove the clothing. First came the
high-heels. One hit the ceiling, the <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>other bounced off the grill. The top was then
ripped off in a savage <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>thrust of rather muscular arms. The bra
disappeared faster than pardons <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>on Death Row and then we reached the last
stage, removal of the panties.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Inexplicably,
she stopped dancing and made the cut-throat motion for me <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to stop the music. Quizzically I relented,
exited the booth and asked her <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what the problem was. "I'm too fucking
shy," she said.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"> <em>Fred Desjardins is an accomplished writer and performer, he can be found at </em></span><a href="http://fdesjardins.ca/"><em><span style="font-size: large;">http://fdesjardins.ca/</span></em></a><em><span style="font-size: large;"> .</span></em></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
</div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-75006678167404110512013-01-31T16:58:00.002-08:002013-01-31T16:58:22.558-08:00How To Be A Loner<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: large;"><strong>How To Be A Loner</strong></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> <span lang="EN-US"><em>Charles B. Lawson</em></span></span></div>
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">The secret to being the perfect loner is pretty simple for
the most part; you just don’t have to be interested in people. The title for
the piece, How To Be A Loner, is one of the many titles that went through my
head before sitting down to write this. My bartender suggested the title, A
Reluctance To Settle For Mediocrity. The fact is this isn’t so much a piece
about how to be a recluse or the outlier of society, it’s more about my life in
college and my life in general. This is how I’ve gone about my business, my
dirty life and times if you will.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a name='more'></a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">There came a point in college where after years of dating
and going out and searching for love I just lost interest. As Charles Bukowski
once wrote, <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 5pt 21.6pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">I was glad I wasn’t in love, that I wasn’t happy with
the world. I like being at odds with everything. People in love often become
edgy, dangerous. They lose their sense of perspective. They lose their sense of
humor. They become nervous, psychotic bores. They even become killers.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">I had felt that and I had lived that way and I certainly
did not want to go back to that any time soon, I didn’t want to waste my
college years with one person missing out on things I would regret later. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">To take care of this problem I simply did what I had always
done before, drink. To meet someone for the first time can be pretty
challenging even more so with the first kiss and the first fuck. That would be
true if I were in the real world, but I was in college the last place for men
to hangout where women just come to them. All women are interesting in their
own right, they all have their own stories and experiences. I wanted to learn
those stories and soak them up. I wanted to be with them if only for a few
short hours, if you stick around too long their flaws become more and more
apparent and the madness sets in. So every day in class I made the great
spectacle of being me with my jokes and answers that I went out of my way to
present in a cocky arrogant manner. Most people hated it, but there was always
that lonely girl with daddy issues who found it charming would send me a
message on Facebook. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">Other than being a cocky prick who knew everything I also
spent more and more time at the bar without my friends. Some nights you just
get bored and go looking for whatever hood rat pops up and tells you she thinks
you’re funny. I never went to parties though, I strongly dislike parties. It’s
easy to find someone at a party but all the extra stuff of having to put up
with people who pretended to be sexy and witty and ultimately fail at it are
not worth the trouble. It’s nothing but boring games, be them board games or
flirting. All the amateur drunks wandering around making up how many beers they
had is like listening to high schoolers rant about their greatness. Everyone
talking about the new fad because people have always grabbed on to whatever is
there to fill their dull lives be it: god, vampires, games of hunger, alcohol,
gambling, racing, video games, frozen yogurt, Kony, juicers, Nook, rusted tin
roofs, drainage ditches, sex scandals, humpty dumpty, invented words that end
with “tron”, the triumph of death, sauerkraut, the laughter of the damned, and
whatever else people talk about that I randomly hate. Pandas…<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">It took a lot to be a true cocksmith in college, it
certainly wasn’t for everybody. There were always the free spirits or swingers
out there who just fucked for the hell of it. Those people simply had no morals
though. They had nothing to cling to they just wanted to fill that empty void
that grew inside them year in and year out. They had no feelings or remorse. I
on the other hand wanted to live with the woman I was with. I wanted to eat
with her and sleep with her and watch movies together. I wasn’t so much
interested in going out or having any real conversation though, after two weeks
all the romance is gone in any relationship and I did my best to keep that two
week limit. Always loyal in intentions but never loyal in action.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-size: large;">After a while things begin to take a toll on your body
though. All the juices have been drained and you are worn out and hung over.
You sit around and consider your choices, the fact is when you looked at the
overall picture drinking was probably the easiest way to go there were no
emotions or drawn out conversations about love that made you want to vomit. Sex
causes more problems than it’s worth sometimes, plus meeting women and telling
them your name was Henry Longfellow or Lancelot Lovejoy wasn’t as funny as it
use to be. Luckily when I was realizing these things it was always around the
time of finals and I could just claim to be studying.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: large;">Since graduating college many things have changed in my
life and many more have stayed the same. The fact is a good woman scares the
shit out of me. It’s easy to say the women that love you are crazy and blow
them off; mostly because those women I’ve found truly are insane. But actually
attempting to be a good person and take things slow with a woman is beyond
scary. You worry that sooner or later you are going to piss them off,
personally the drinking has always taken care of the great ones. This new
chapter in life is a challenge because everyone is eccentric. If you find
something worth fighting for you should always give it your best shot and if it
fails at least you tried. You can always go back to being a cocksmith and ranting
about how the hand job is a forgotten art form. In the end no matter whom you
are it never feels right being alone, it can feel good sometime, but it never
feels right.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em><span style="font-size: large;">
Charles B. Lawson is a A bar stool prophet with a degree in History. He can be found at </span></em><a href="http://therealthoughtsofacynic.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><em><span style="font-size: large;">http://<wbr></wbr>therealthoughtsofacynic.<wbr></wbr>blogspot.com/</span></em></a><em><span style="font-size: large;"> .</span></em></div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-15508595123348248292013-01-31T16:55:00.000-08:002013-01-31T16:56:44.554-08:00How To Entertain Delivery Men and Inspire Me<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">How To Entertain
Delivery Men<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I wear a hat to bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I did some laundry and washed my hat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was really sleepy when I dug in the laundry basket for my hat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I slept all night and was woken up by a
parcel delivery person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not
understand why this person was holding their sides while waiting for me to sign
for the package.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn't until I
looked in the mirror and realized I had pulled (a clean) pair of men’s knit
boxers on my head instead of my hat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So,
I answered the door with men's underwear on my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I made the delivery person's day!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><a name='more'></a></span></span><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Inspire me</span></b><br />
<strong></strong><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I can still laugh when I look at myself in the mirror. I
woke up a few minutes ago after quite a fight to get to sleep. I stood there
and I will have to paint the image with words. I took a shower and I had my
hair braided to the side and it was hanging halfway down my chest. I had pulled
on an old black & white knit cap to keep warm in bed, (you lose most of
your body heat by your head), I am wearing a light blue thermal shirt, that Barker
had chewed a bit of, and I sewed the hole shut and as I looked at myself in the
mirror, I noticed that one side was stuck under my left breast and the right
side was tangled by my medic alert necklace that also has my cell phone in a
little sack (set to vibrate) , so my beer belly'ssss (multiple, but not from
beer) were peeking out. I am wearing cotton pj pants, blue & white stripe
with HUGE strawberries on them, but I put them on inside out. I am wearing two
different knee high tube socks, one has stripes one is plain white. I think
this fashion ansamble hits JUST the right note with my bathrobe. As many of you
know, I like my bargains. I found a luxuriously thick white terry cloth
bathrobe, with such fantastic embroidery of roses on the front and on one sleeve.
The problem? It is size 7X! To add to the ugg factor, the years have not been
kind, there are all kinds of snags and pulls, and somehow they have grown into
a dust bunny type effect, the inside ties broke so I replaced them with
electric pink ribbon that I had and the belt also went bye-bye, so I found a
belt made out of blue paisley print fabric.</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">So, there I stood, feeling no pain from my tooth, happy that
I had a great rest, happy that my dd & sil texted me that she loved me and
they got on their flights to Miami and she will text when they get to Miami.
While I am writing this, she texted me again, "you have been the best Mom
ever." (I kind of broke down yesterday {feelings overload} that feared I
had somehow failed them because I only learned how to be a Mom from a book)
Both Jenn & Zach hugged me tight. </span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">So, this is how I will inspire you today. No matter how you
look or feel, if you love those who are important to you AND you tell them; and
no matter if Maxine is staring back at you from the mirror, if you love
yourself enough, it is ALL good. G-d loves me, my families loves me, (in this I
mean my children) and you, my dearhearts, love me. Thank you for letting me
'inspire you' with my short tales from me, The "Duchess of Dundale Road"
I have used that fake title to name myself in some of my novels. I think I will
get one printed up in semi published format and send you all a first edition.
You can read it and then use it for whatever....</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Merry, Merry Christmas! Omega Lambda Gal's, the best Sorority
Sisters on Cafemom!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;">
<em><span style="font-size: large;">The lovely author of these works would like to remain anonymous.<o:p></o:p></span></em></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-87634244001722498612013-01-29T10:23:00.001-08:002013-01-29T10:23:16.431-08:00Q & A, the A bit
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Just a quick paws to answer some email queries, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">For all readers and contributors please keep the first of
February on your mind and calendars- this is the date we go ‘live’. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">For all who’ve received acceptance to the magazine version
please make sure we have your address (so we can send your contributor’s copy).
Email it to us please (NEVER post it online i.e. the blog, safety people!) at </span><a href="mailto:absccomedy@gmail.com"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">absccomedy@gmail.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Anyone who still wants to submit for the blog has a mere
three days remaining. Anyone who wants to submit for the magazine has some
leeway into February, though we will have to hit up the printing press shortly
into the month so as to have our print version ready for its March release.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">PS. Submitters if you have a short bio or link to your website/blog you'd like to appear with your post, please send that along as well. </span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Once the print version is ready to be released we will have
a Paypal set up for those seeking to purchase copies of the first issue. This
will appear on the blog. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">There is no payment for our bloggers at the moment, we are
brand new, and our current goal is provide good writers/artists with a place to
showcase their talents. The same applies to our magazine, although contributor’s
copies are in order for everyone who appears within its pages. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Thanks again to everyone who has been submitting!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">-That Cat <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-10051594882206071302013-01-21T16:45:00.000-08:002013-01-21T16:45:28.151-08:00Where's your art at?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Some really awesome submissions have come in, some seriously
questionable ones as well- but we’ve a real lack of art and comics in the box! C’mon,
we can’t stare at cardboard all day. Submit!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">-That Cat<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1209874556423511694.post-80815324152005169922013-01-15T12:11:00.001-08:002013-01-21T16:45:51.965-08:00Submission Call<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is an offbeat comedy blog looking to post comics, art, prose,
poetry and anything else creative so long as it's comedic. No homophobia,
racism, misogyny or the like please. Send us your submissions! Posting begins
on February 1st 2013.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">No real rules for submitting. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Authored by Schrödinger’s Cat</i> is expecting to publish <strike>a chapbook</strike> this spring. We're going magazine like we're in heat. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Submit to <a href="mailto:absccomedy@gmail.com">absccomedy@gmail.com</a></span>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- That Cat<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Schrödinger's Cathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08721070828362413008noreply@blogger.com0